the beauty beneath

[at the farm friday evening with my ladies & babies & mid-34 week belly while the men had a men’s evening before my brother gets MARRIED this coming weekend! okay, and some notes: my chunky, pink cardigan gets questions every time i wear it… it’s the best EVER!! i seriously had to order it like 4 or 5 times during the n-sale because it was sold out all the time. so worth it! it’s my fav. also, i have long arms, so i didn’t size down. i actually sized up because that’s all they had! mine’s a 6 and it’s made to be slouchy, anyway, but if you’re shorter without orangutan arms, get your normal size. // sweater dress is comfy and i got it in two colors! // AND i got my pre-baby hair done!!! go see my friend, frazier, if you’re in nash!! he’s amazing, and so wonderful to talk to.]

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a few weeks ago, as my baby girl shared tidbits of her school life with me… she mentioned that she and a friend had been looking in the mirror together in the bathroom one day when the friend asked maddalena if she liked her own face. maddalena said, “well yes! do you like yours?” and her friend said no! she said no, she didn’t like the way her own face looked. oh my gosh. this broke my heart to hear! this is what girls do for their whole LIVES. criticize themselves and so often buckle under the pressure to be more. i’m not ready for my baby girl to feel that… in fact, i remember watching her look in the mirror around age 1 or 2, thinking how heartbroken i would be for her to ever not love her reflection. so, i was a little sad to hear that she’d already had her first time finding out that liking your face was optional! of course, i asked her how she responded when her friend said that, and i was SO SO PROUD when she told me she told her girlfriend, “well i think you’re beautiful!” because that’s what it’s about, isn’t it! lifting each other up? we need it. we all need it!

pregnancy is a funny thing for me. i’ve always made a point to enjoy it since it’s such a short and special time… but it’s hard, and i wasn’t super into the idea this time around. i just knew the end result was so very worth it! but i don’t like feeling held down or vulnerable. life keeps moving so quickly, and here i am feeling slow and not at all glowy! and oh, i see so many new flaws popping up day after day, [as if i need more flaws to gaze at in my reflection. see? girls. forever!] but it hits me over and over again… now that i have a school-aged baby girl… that i am the example. i am the example for being confident in who i am and what i am capable of. for not focusing on the superficial. for taking care of myself in a healthy way without making myself the number one priority.

one thing i struggle with is that i think the whole “#selfcare” thing that’s big now can be dangerous territory, honestly, when used simply to justify indulgence. i mean, obviously everyone deserves to feel good and have proper care!! and it’s so true that you can’t pour from an empty glass. you can’t. that’s something to figure out, for sure. when i’m depleted, i am not good at making life better for my people… so, i definitely think that minding yourself is important! it also helps to shift what fills your cup and focus on what we really need. it took some pretty dark days for me to truly discover that a good devotional and prayer time can strengthen me in any season of life. i mean, shopping only fills your cup a little, right? for sure a little bit, though. 😉

anyway! it occurred to me recently that i always forget about one of the best aspects of pregnancy for me… it’s probably the only time i feel like i get a little extra care, you know?! which is difficult for me, because generally, i never feel like i’m allowed to sit down and put my feet up… but right now, i literally have to. i get sooo achey! slowing down is necessary. paying attention to your new growing baby is super necessary. documenting and savoring… if you ask me, it’s necessary! and preparing for a new season… oh boy. very necessary. in so many ways. including a little pampering… pre-baby hair… CHECK!! can’t reach your toenails? you know what to do! giving into that nesting instinct… it’s there for a reason!! plus, it’s the only time i go to the doctor, basically. haha. i’m completely in love with my doctor, and i love feeling like baby bunny and i are in the best hands.

plus, like i said, my babies are watching me. they take things in! i want them to both see things handled with grace [haha. don’t laugh, husband.], but also know that it’s a challenge, and one that i will happily take on because they have been life’s absolute greatest reward. they are BEAUTIFUL!! they are worthy. and i want them to always see that when they look in the mirror. not because they feel pressure to be “more” than anyone else due to human nature and silly societal pressures… but because they are confident enough in themselves to know who they are and be able to use their gifts to elevate those around them.

life is a crazy juggle, isn’t it! i don’t even bother with the word “balance,” because i believe in different seasons for different things, and often a balance just isn’t there! and that’s okay! i’m learning that life is something to celebrate in every season. and if i can never get rid of the dang spots on my face from growing my favorite little humans while basking happily in the sunshine… well, that’s okay, too. 😉 but maybe one day i’ll have the opportunity to seek a professional. haha.

ps. NEW BUNNY, WE CAN’T WAIT TO SNUGGLE YOU!!!!