i’m not crying, you’re crying

before M was born, i was honestly kind of lost and confused. in hindsight, your twenties just aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, if you ask me! but i did everything that i knew to do “right.” i never wanted to appear like i didn’t have it together, particularly since we had chosen to get married so young. i kept plugging away at college. i went out with friends. went to work. searched for new recipes that were never all that good. secretly hated cooking. maintained a spotless house that nobody ever saw. put my face on to try and look pretty. patched and painted the holes in the walls that my puppy would consistently make when i was away from the house. made the bed every single morning. and still, i knew upon waking every day that it really didn’t matter if i actually got up or not. i started to dread waking up in the morning because that feeling was just so lonely.

i’d remind myself, however, that i had known i’d probably be a little bit lonely… having pretty much nothing figured out for myself… with a hard working husband that had his career set coming out of college. that was just part of the time of life i was in. we’d even planned on it, and that’s why i had my fluffy furbabies, right? plus, i thankfully had my mom and horse near by! but going from such a full family life to the ever-social college life to the solid quiet of fresh adulthood was such a shock to my system. the tiptoes of fluffy little paws around the house really did save my sanity over and over again. a quiet atmosphere is just… not my thing. as it turns out! 🙂

still, i remember thinking at whatever point, “i’m about to turn 25 and i thought i’d be ready for kids by now but i’m definitely not.” i don’t think we’ve ever been “ready” for any of life’s new turns and twists, though, and soon enough, the most precious baby girl took over my world and brought with her all the things i didn’t know i was missing in life. i had a sweet little sidekick with the happiest smile. meaning in my days. a role and a mission that was much more important than myself. someone who cared greatly if i got up in the morning! and very little time to sit and overanalyze life. ahhhhh sweet relief from the years. of. searching! and although i knew absolutely nothing about babies before her… she wasn’t just a baby… she was my partner in taking on the world each and every day. everything was new and sparkly to her and i soaked it up. and miracle of miracles, just having her company even made getting groceries a more enjoyable task! she wasn’t an easy baby by any means, either, but she was such a comfort to me. and that’s never changed. she’s one of the warmest, most caring little souls on the planet due to absolutely nothing i’ve done. it’s just how she is!

so… here we are! 6 years later! six. years. with the very best little human. she takes such sweet care of her brother and attempts to make my coffee without my knowledge and sings her little heart out all of the time. and next week, an entirely new normal begins for us. and really, it’s not just a kindergarten new normal… it’s a 13+ years long kind of new normal [that eventually leads to an even more terrifying new normal]… and one that involves square pegs doing round hole things aaaagaaaaain, it seems, but i’ve learned that that’s just how life feels for me a lot of the time. 😉 so, i’m throwing myself a pity party, for sure [and staring HOLES through my wine bottles wishing, just wishing they could help me out this time], because, for one thing, i think i’ve kept my freakin pregnancy hormones together quite nicely thus far! and two, well, i don’t really want to do things differently than we’ve been doing them. i like our days together, so… i’m pouting. i am. i mean, i like to think that i’m “taking” “things” “in” “stride” but every now and then…

nooope. go ahead and shut it DOWN, b. shut it on down.

well, anyway! all that aside, i really happen to think that our sweetest little angel lady is the smartest and biggest-hearted out there, and i’m excited for her to have fun and expand her world and spread her joyful sparkles all around. she thrived so much in pre-k last year, and i know she’s going to have a blast again this year in the best place i can possibly think of for her to spend her days. it’s definitely not lost on me what a gift it is for her to go to a school she already adores. and rocco will get some quality time in before he becomes the cutest big brother ever ever. although… let’s be real, sissy totally completes his world. ♡

maddalena rose, i’m so proud of you and thankful for you!!! thank you for being everything you are and making it absolutely impossible to ever want to do life apart from you. now, let’s prep our uniforms and pump-up playlist and get excited!! 🙂

[feelings dump: OVER.]

xoxoxo