[m’s birthday 3 weeks after rocco was born]
in our big bed snuggling my sleeping rocco one night after he’s fallen asleep nursing… the whole house is quiet and peaceful, everyone snoozing but me… my teeth aren’t brushed, my face isn’t washed… and im kinda hungry? but i don’t want to put rocco down in his cradle. i usually have a hard time putting him down, but on this night i just can’t tear myself away from the perfect rise and fall of his chest. his steady breath and warm body are two of the sweetest and most comforting things in the world to me, and although i would happily sit and soak them in for hours, i don’t get to nearly often enough!
when maddalena was a baby, i got to experience such a deep and connected relationship with her. i held her constantly [no secret that was her preference!], and had every opportunity to focus on all her needs, her every little detail. and i loved it so much. it was a challenging time, naturally! she didn’t nap without me and hated to be put down… but i knew it was all so temporary and i couldn’t help but close my eyes and smell and feel and memorize her as often as possible.
but! no matter how hard you try! no matter how dedicated and invested you are! no matter how many bits and pieces you swear you’ve permanently committed to memory! babies grow. they grow and gain independence. they get all busy and their world expands. they distract you with their new skills and tricks and you have all sorts of fun with them… and then. before you know it… all the fresh details of their babyhood have faded! and there’s no going back.
and, of course, everyone knows that with each subsequent child it just gets even harder to absorb and retain and focus and be in the season while it lasts… but that doesn’t change the fact that i reeally want to. i want to feel and breathe in every second of rocco. every bit of his loving gaze. his full belly laugh. his baby bear paws reaching. the weight of his snuggle. his sweet head on me as he falls asleep. i need all this stuff! i need it before he gets too busy for me. while i’m still the keeper of his world and still totally hilarious. 😉 while he still fits so easily right there on my lap.
additionally, i don’t want to miss a second of maddalena! i look at her now and gosh. sometimes it just hits me that i miss her!! i miss having all the time in the world for her. i miss our constant cuddles and perfect partnership. i miss the days before she discovered the art of the meltdown. and i miss not feeling guilty because i’m trying to divide myself. all. the. time. and then i look at rocco wishing i could give him all the uninterrupted everything that i gave madd. but!! life doesn’t work that way! and somehow bigger families always seem a little… better adjusted? to me. and, plus, rocco has what maddalena didn’t, and that’s a sister who adores him. 🙂
i really love the person my baby girl is blossoming into. i love her thoughts and her heart and her interests and the things she shares with us. she blows me away with her facets and layers. she’s a natural caretaker and the best big sister ever. i’m so so proud of her!! and i know i’ll love all this in rocco, too, as he grows, and i’m sooo excited for that. there’s already so much i adore behind those big, blue eyes of his, and i can’t wait to discover so much more of him. he’s more fun every single day and i love it. goodness, i love him!
ooooh, but i just know how fast it goes. yes, hyper-awareness is an ongoing problem for me. so, in between snuggles and household tasks and personal goals and attempts at an adult convo here and there and sometimes just needing a dang hour to watch pretty little liars [which is extra stupid now] and not have anyone needing anything… well, i’m trying not to blink. like, ever. 🙂 and according to the latest testing by my wellness advisor [ahem, my mother in law], my hormones are currently in a state of bonkers [no, but really, what’s new], SO, no big, i’ll just be over here swimming in feelings. <3
[and now! oh, how things change in 6 months!]
and as little sidenote: i’m always happy that i wrote out some of these thoughts and moments when maddalena was a baby! although, sometimes i figure i could keep rambly things like this just as little notes in my iphone… i feel like then if anyone ever came across them, it would look like i was storing up paragraphs of secret thoughts. and secret thoughts make me uncomfortable. there’s actually not much i don’t share with somebody, so i figure it might as well be with whoever cares enough to click. 😉 so, to reference some of my fav old gals, thank you for bein’ a frieee-ee-eeeeend!
this makes me sad because I know exactly what you mean and you describe it perfectly! I have the opposite problem where I need to force myself to be more in the moment but when I do I always want to cry because I know no matter how hard it is now, I'll always look back at this time with fondness and nostalgia that I so often do! I can't believe how perfectly these babes fit on our chests and in a few months they're so much bigger and it all is just too dang fast, as cliche as it is. I miss my little being her current size already 🙁
Ahhhh making me tear up at work here Brittany! So so true!!! All of it! Soak it in, everything else can wait. And yeah what is going on with PLL?!! I still cant with the whole Caleb/Spencer thing. It's just weird! But….I'm still watching lol
I always enjoy reading what you write! Thanks for not keeping secrets 🙂
I absolutely adore those pictures of the three of you. I'm a big fan of writing down everything. Those moments are the ones we will want to remember a long time from now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us!!
If I had the magic answer I wouldn't be sitting here saying to myself preach girl! But for me, it gets harder and harder with each kid as the appreciation for they yearning to remember it all grows. With Letty I had I idea. I focused on the future only. And now? It's all a haze to me. So you were ahead of the curve thee.
aaah!! me too. me too. and I'm so glad you decided to write these all down and let the rest of us share. right there with you sista.