[sometimes i plan to stay up late and rewatch the shows i loved in high school, but then… i get too sleepy. :)]
i was such a daydreamer when i was younger. i could hardly pay attention in class, oh, no, no!! i was much too busy dreaming about what i could be and who i might be it with. in my head was a castle, i’m pretty sure… surrounded by unicorns and flowers! with a handsome prince. and the margins of my notes filled with sooo maaany doodles. mostly heart doodles. <3 but anyway, while i was all too often thinking of the future and its every possibility, i don’t know that i ever reeeally thought i was meant to ever not be 17?! maybe 21. maaaaaybe planning for 25. but after that?? not even possible. 😉 [oh, i’ll just be casually turning 29 next month, don’t even worry ’bout it… ha.]
so, i came back across this quote recently [funnily enough, from the one tree hill finale… gosh, that show!! it went on way too long, but i loved it in high school.] after having actually said something very similar through a few tears to steven just the night before… because sometimes it just hits! in a blink, after all the imagining and wondering and wishing late at night as you drifted off to sleep… right here is the rest of your life. some questions already answered just the way you wanted! some not so much. some you hope don’t get answered any time soon, because you just want your family and friends to live happily ever after, forever and ever, just like always. some friendships faded. some new, better ones formed… with people you only wish had known you at 17, so the knowing would just *be* there without any explaining. some doors closed, some walls built… or so you think, until your subconscious reminds you as you sleep that maybe you didn’t close them all the way and it’s lookin’ like there’s a crack in your wall. growing up is weird, yes? super weird! and everything just happens so fast!
most days i’m a happy girl. joy comes pretty naturally to me… probably in part because i want it to! the sun shines and i have these babies that snuggle and love me and make me feel important all day and a husband who works hard to support us and a family i can still go home to and snuggle with and a horse that’s magically still kickin’ at age 28 [we stay young together!] and i am fulfilled.
but then, only sometimes, in the tiniest of quiet moments where i’m almost uncomfortably alone with my thoughts, i maybe just slightly panic, thinking… wait. this is it. this is my life! my one and only shot as brittany. brittany the ______. <– fill in the blank! night owl. artist. equestrian. love story lover. wifemomsisdaughterfriend. midnight cheese eater. anything i ever wanted to be that i haven’t been able to become just yet. [hashtag: piano lessons!] my days are currently filled with cute baby spit bubbles and coloring books and i love it. but gosh, the shortness of life really haunts me sometimes!
some afternoons, i’ll play a song on my phone for maddalena to dance to [usually ed sheeran or taylor swift!], and i’ll sit nursing rocco, watching her dance so sweetly, thinking… goodness, i’m going to miss this one day! i try to memorize the look on her face and the movements of her little arms and legs and the feeling of the warm, snuggly boy in my lap. other times i’ll stand in rocco’s darkened room holding him and swaying as he settles to sleep for a nap. i’ll put my cheek on his soft little head and soak in every bit of him… his smell, his tiny hands gripping my shirt, his precious baby sounds! knowing that one day he’ll be big and grown, but, of course, finding it impossible to really believe.
oh, but anyway, right now? i’m right where i should be… breathing in the day to day with my sunshine and coffee and cuddly loves. it’s my babies’ turn to have the world of questions and possibilities ahead of them, and i’m so excited to foster a whole new lifetime of magical childhood wonder! a life of christmas lights and chocolate milkshakes and fairy tales and unashamed back yard nudity. i love reliving childhood through them and i hooope they can keep it alive until they are 100!! [even a little outdoor nudity! heck, why not!] and although as they get older they’ll learn about the bad things in the world, i think with a joyful heart and light spirit, they can handle it like champs.
then again, maddalena told me just yesterday morning as she reached out for a much-needed hug that she doesn’t want to be 3 anymore… she wants to be a baby because growing up is too hard. it broke my heart to pieces to hear her say that, because oooh, she is indeed my child! and growing up is hard. so, it begins once again…
but, to my dear babies! please just know these things: life is wonderful. perfection is objective. God loves you. mommy and daddy love you!!! don’t let satan tell you lies. give lots of hugs [especially to your mom!]. please don’t follow the crowd. life goes fast, and what is it but breathing and living and loving and praying and enjoying the journey? the big things are important, but the little things are what get you there, and they’re really just as awesome. there’s nothing i love more than the simple sound of your tiny, steady heartbeats as you sleep, knowing your itty bitty, miraculous bodies are working as they should be… all the while you have no notion of the hugeness of life and the world around you and it’s beautifully innocent. don’t grow up too fast! but if you do happen to one day and the world feels too big, there’s always home. 🙂 ps. PRAY!
…yep! this is my life. 🙂
This is the sweetest! Your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you!
Spot on new friend! Thank you for this inspirational sunshine today!
Oh my goodness this post. I'm all weepy eyes over here. Yes to it all. So much of this is motherhood you know and it's so painful and beautiful all at the same time. I literally had the same thoughts this morning when David looked up at me on the steps with his crazy bed head in some horrible mutant turtle shirt I hate and said I love you mom and I just kept staring at him trying to memorize it. Even the horrible shirt. Someday he won't look up at me at all and his hair probably won't stand on end and I wish it would. For me anyways. I know he must grow up. But please stay within a half hour drive from me please. Please.
This is so perfect it's giving me goosebumps! I've been thinking and feeling so weird about the crazy concept of time so much recently! I don't understand how I all of a sudden got to 26 years old! I can't wait to have a family so so so so so badly and I feel like the whole concept of time will be even CRAZIER!!! Love you and your family so much!
Yep! I have thought these same thoughts so many times.. Especially since becoming a mother. It's heartbreaking and so overwhelming what happens to time once you've got a baby! When I start to think a little too much about how quickly things go and get emotional in a motherly way, I really try to lean into those emotions and realize.. "How lucky am I to feel so much?!", that anxiety that comes up with these thoughts is totally my heart about to explode with joy!
THIS. i love this all and feel this all on that bittersweet level too. love you!
now im crying!! this is beautifully written…it's crazy to think back on the things we've dreamed about as kids and realized we're actually living that dream!!
I've read your blog for a few years now and there's a post every once in a while that just gives me honest to goodness chills and speaks to my sentimental heart and that I bookmark!!! (thats embarrassing to write) haha for easy access to read again and again. The Dear babies paragraph is it for me this time. Although I don't have kids and i'm a lil youngin (20!!!) i still love your words all the same